Something’s gotta give

Okay, so in the last two years I have basically kept myself running on determination, caffeine and fear of failure.

I can’t do it any more. I am pretty much going from burnout to burnout. I never fully recover before I hit the ground and I’m moving again, chasing the next thing, trying to catch up.

I thought if I did it long enough that the various online things would start to make enough money that I could “quit my dayjob” and do this stuff full time. I kept telling myself that this was only temporary until that happened. But it hasn’t happened. There have been surges, but it’s never hit the point where I could actually turn my focus fully on it.

And it’s reaching a point where none of it is really bringing me joy any more. So something has to change.

The part that is soul-destroying is the hustle. The constant marketing, the constant “be a patron, here’s my kofi, subscribe, follow, hit the button, support me”, is just killing me, you guys. I just want to do the things while also being able to eat, but it’s not working.

Or it is, but not enough, not so that I can stop hustling and just do the work. Just enough to constantly make me feel like it’s just around the corner. Which, honestly, is harder to handle than complete failure would be, I think.

Anyway, so what I am going to do is, over the next couple of weeks I will be pruning my commitments. I will fulfill anything I have already promised to people who are paying me, but apart from that, I will be taking a good long look at my stupid list of projects and picking the things that I actually WANT to do. Which means also unravelling the complex web of guilt and commitment and “should” that is wrapped around it all.

I can tell you the Twitch story reading will continue, because that is genuinely fun.

I can tell you that Wolfenoot will continue, but my focus will probably narrow and shift a bit.

Apart from that, I don’t yet know what it’s going to look like. But I do know I need to refocus on the passion and figure out what actually feeds my soul and what’s just hurting me. Because if I don’t, by the time I can do it full time, there won’t be any fire or joy left.

This is TERRIFYING. It feels like giving up. It feels like accepting that it’ll never be enough, *I’ll* never be enough, to have the life I want. But I think it needs doing.

As always, those of you who have supported me, who continue to support me, my patrons, my friends, the people who own all my books, I can never, ever express how grateful I am. This is not the end of all of that. I just need to figure out how to work healthier, and what I can let go of.

I love you. I’m so sorry if this makes you feel let down.

Ask Jax Anything (Part 19)

Learn from my Motherfucking Mistakes (An Occasional Series)

Got a question for me? Ask it here. I see only what you put in the textbox, so it can be totally anonymous.

I am going to catch up on a few in this post, because I have been ignoring this for a while.

Can I have a hug ?

You can certainly have a cyberhug.

Best idea for Bardic Inspiration tokens?

Hm. I kind of like the idea of something wearable. Maybe little music note pendants that players can wear temporarily?

I am dating a married woman. I’m non monogamous, but her husband is not. She hasn’t replied to any of my texts for a few days, which is entirely unlike her, after 18 months or more of seeing her. She might be very ill, as she has been having issues. What should I do?

Oh, my darling. I realise this situation has probably moved on now, but this definitely sounds like an affair, and affairs are tricky beasts. As someone who has been in this position (ahem), I will say that it is a rocky treacherous path to walk, and requires a not insignificant ability to accept your own lack of control.

A lot depends on the situation. I am assuming her husband is unaware of your dalliance, and so you can’t just straight up ask him without potentially causing other issues. If that is the case, then I am very sorry but all you can do is wait, as awful and heart-wrenching as that is.

Unfortunately, the cost of a relationship of this kind is that you sometimes just don’t know, and you have to learn to live with that. If that is not something you can live with, you may need to consider changing the relationship, one way or another.

I wish you peace and a good outcome. ❤

Hi Jax,
Rather random ask about names. I’m at a loss of what to do, and it’s one of those silly things I guess.

When I found out that I was pregnant, my partner and I asked their parents what they wanted to be called; Nana, Poppy, Grandma, Grandpa, Nanny, Pa, They choose to keep the names that the other grandkids were using, and we were happy enough to go along with that. Asked Partners Nana and Grandpa and they are Great Nana and Great Grandpa. That’s the easy part of it.

When I was a teenager both my parents passed away (within 4 years of each other), I have no grandparents alive either (Nan and Mum passed away within 10 months of each other, my other grandparents passed either before I was born, or when I was 4 years old). Both parents have been gone between 15-20 years ago.

My Dad had other children from a previous marriage, and my nieces and nephews called him Poppy or Pop, So I’m thinking of just going along with that, he was happy with that, and I can’t ask him about it. 

However it’s my Mum who is causing difficulties. I know I am over thinking this. My younger sister who had her first child almost 10 years ago has always called Mum “Nana-in-Heaven” for her children. This makes me cringe to then nth degree, I don’t know why, it just doesn’t sit or feel right to me.

As we seem to talk about Mum more often than Dad, I didn’t really notice that she also calls Dad “Poppy-in-Heaven”. That also just makes me cringe as well. I don’t know if maybe it’s too much of an overshare, it’s a mouthful, it just makes me cringe.

I can’t ask Mum if she wants to be a Nan, Nana, Grams, Nonna, Grandma, Glam-ma, or heck even if she wants or likes Nana-in-Heaven. I’m thinking maybe Nana [Mum’s Name], however it doesn’t really seem ‘right’ to me. My Nan, use to be Nana Betty to my aunt’s best-friends kids, who didn’t have any grandparents. Also calling someone Aunty or Uncle to a close family friend was a sign of respect.

It’s not something any of us thought to ask Mum when she was sick, “Hey by the way when we have kids, in case you’re not around any longer, do you wanna be Nan or Grandma?”

The doctors had given us so much mixed, Your Mum is improving, we’ve moved her outta ICU, to we don’t think she’s gonna make it, back to she’s doing great and will be released in the next week. For majority of the time Mum was either in a drug induced coma, or was that medicated she didn’t know what day of the week it was. There were only a few days when she was coherent enough to talk to us, or even understand that she was in hospital, and her telling me she didn’t want to die in hospital (which she had also been vocal about not wanting to die in a hospital.)

I’m wanting to put together a little photo book for Little One, with the names of our family, so they can learn, that’s Aunty Emily, that’s Uncle Stuart, that’s cousin Carla, that’s Nana, that’s Poppy, and this is the thing that is holding me up, this is the roadblock I have.

At the moment when I show Little One photos of my Mum and I, when I was a baby, I’m saying that’s Mum and her Mummy, which I’m guessing could get confusing.

Any advice, ideas, something? please thank you Jax

❤ Orphaned

Oh, my love, what a difficult thing. My instinct is to just go with something simple, like maybe Nana [name]? If Nana is a name generally used in your family, maybe simply differentiate it by using her name? 

The “in heaven” thing feels cringy to me too, but that probably has a lot to do with me not actually believing in heaven. It feels very… hallmark movie. At the end of the day, though, you have to find something that feels right for you, regardless of what the rest of your family does.

That’s the best idea I have. I hope you find (or have found) something that works for you. ❤

Project Update

Every six months or so, I do my best to post one of these so that you can get a feel for all the many balls I am juggling, and maybe spot something you might have missed.

Wolfenoot

Wolfenoot has now been around for over a year! If you don’t know about it, the short version is that I posted on social media about a holiday my kid had invented and it turned into a movement.

You can read more about it on the Wolfenoot website.

We also have a twitter account, a facebook page, and four facebook groups: one general group, one for crafters, one for fundraising and one for memorials of animals that people have lost.

We have a RedBubble Store, and a CafePress Store (both very much works in progress) and we have a book. ALL the merch benefits charities. I plan to spend some time working on the whole Wolfenoot merch thing this year, because this is all still a bit ad hoc.

Oh, and a podcast. We’ve recorded a new one and it’ll be going up as soon as I have edited it. 🙂

It has been quite a ride, but I think I am starting to get a handle on the direction of this thing, and I am confident it is only going to get better from here. 🙂

If you would like to support Wolfenoot, following us on any or all of those platforms would be great, but you can also throw a few dollars a month into our Patreon and get some patron only bits and pieces and help me keep this thing alive.

The Patchwork Raven

Things have been a bit quiet at the Raven, as Will and his wife, Janna, had a beautiful baby girl, and he’s had some other big projects going on. I’ve obviously been a bit distracted with Wolfenoot.

We do have some books you can buy from our website. And there are some others in the works. I’m hoping to give the Raven a bit more attention this year.

We have a Raven Patreon, where you can subscribe to get art postcards or illuminated story manuscripts in your postbox (or inbox if physical stuff isn’t your jam) every month.

We’ve been working with KT Obermanns on these beautiful illuminated manuscripts every month. We’re working out what to do with the full set of the Zodiac ones and will soon be in search of stories for the next round. This is perhaps the one project I wish would get more attention, because they are so frikkin’ cool. I’d love you to take a look.

Here’s some teaser art:

Click through for more information.

 

The Critterverse

I run Critter Gifting, which is an astonishing community of Critters from around the world who send each other wonderful things.

We’re just wrapping up our biggest and most successful Critmas thus far!

We have a website, and we have a Twitter account. I have so many plans for this! There are exciting things in store for the Critter Gifting world. 🙂

Jax, the writer and editor

Sometimes I try to remember that before I was a crazy juggling administrative guru, I was also a writer and editor.

I still write stories and other things here, from time to time, for the people who drop tips in my jar.

I also have an advice column, complete with stories about my mistakes and some strong language. 😉 It’s a bit sporadic, but if you have anything you’d like to ask me, this is where to do it.

You can also follow me on Facebook (my profile is mostly public these days) or on my “official page”, or on Twitter.

MeBooks

I run the Facebook page for meBooks, which is mostly nerdy stuff about books and Kiwi publishing, but we also have a lot of historical fiction and non-fiction, mostly New Zealand historical texts. Some of it is fascinating. When I find time, I read meBooks books and talk about them on the meBooks website. I’ve read a lot of things I would not normally have read. It’s pretty great.

 

As you can see, I have a lot on my plate! This doesn’t even count my actual job (at the Hamilton Zoo) or parenting, or, you know, life. I’m a bit of a maniac. But if you’d like to support me by following or buying or subscribing to any of the things in this multitude of links, that would be so wonderful.

Or if you just like the work I do and want to buy me a coffee, you can do that here.

I thank you and love you all. ❤

My Relationship: A Snapshot

Last night, Adam and I were watching Critical Role. (We’re behind – still trying to catch up on C2.) Liam was wearing a shirt with this on it:

Adam: You need that shirt!
Jax: I really do. *gestures around at the shelves full of books*
Jax *thinks* You know, maybe if I took like a year off from absolutely everything and did nothing but read, then I could probably get through them all.
Adam: No, you couldn’t.
Jax: I could though. I mean, just the ones I haven’t read already.
Adam: Yeah, but you’d just buy more.
Jax: Well, no, I mean, I wouldn’t be allowed to buy more till I finished what I had.
Adam: You’d still PROCURE more. You’d whinge on social media about not being allowed to buy books, and boxes of books would start showing up.
Jax: I mean, probably not BOXES.
Adam: BOXES.
Jax: Well… I mean. Hm. Maybe I should whinge….
Adam: WE HAVE NO SPACE!
Jax: *has mouth full of food – gestures wildly at shelves*
Adam: And if we double stack all the shelves, we won’t have space for all the minis!!
Jax: *starts to choke/laugh*
Adam: That’s what you were going to suggest, wasn’t it?
Jax: *nods; swallows* I mean. You’re not wrong. *sigh*

The Price of Juggling

I do a lot of things. You may have noticed. 😉 What you may not have noticed is the cost of all that – the cost to myself, the cost to my long-suffering, ever-supportive partner who is just quietly proud of me and reminds me to rest and eat on a regular basis.

I run Critter Gifting, an online community built from the most astonishingly generous and amazing fandom I have ever had anything to do with. Once a year I run a massive international Secret Santa which in three years went from ~200 participants to ~1300. This takes a lot of energy and discipline and spreadsheeting mojo. (We’re looking at ways to automate it, but that’s a work in progress.) I have help – a team of about 25 people when you include the mods in the facebook group and the discord and all my Critmas elves. But still. It makes this time of year very full on for me.

And then there’s Wolfenoot, this little idea my kid had that snowballed last year and is now well on its way to becoming a legit non-profit raising money for organisations that work with canines of all kinds – both wild and domestic. Going viral like that has been a very weird experience. I’ve always had a reasonable following on social media, but this turned me into someone people squee about when I talk to them, which I can’t really get used to. This turned me into someone who has email conversations with GRRM’s social media people. It’s all extremely surreal. And when is Wolfenoot? Oh yeah, end of November, right when Critmas is about to get super insane.

So this time of year turns me into a crazed, ball-juggling stress-bunny, just moving from Highest Priority Thing to Next Highest Priority Thing. I ran a Pledgeme campaign and gave it almost no attention and still made three times as much as my target, because Wolfenoot I guess. (I intended to push it harder, but see all these balls? Yeah.) I have almost completely ignored the Raven and meBooks and all my other projects for the last two months, because there’s just one of me and so many demands on my attention.

What I want, what I really, really want, Baby Spice, is to be able to treat all of this as an actual job and not constantly try to fit it in around the things that make money, and parenting, and life. Because, alas, capitalism is still a thing, and in order to survive, we have to pay bills.

In 11 days I turn forty. This is another thing boggling my mind. But it’s a big one, so I am going to ask for a present from you. I am going to ask you for $12. Even better, I’m going to ask that you pay it a dollar at a time over the next 12 months.

I have FOUR patreons, for four different parts of my life. For my birthday, dear reader, please become a patron on one of them. A single dollar, once a month.

If any of the things I do or write or say have a positive impact on your life, please consider supporting me this way. Those dollars add up. They make a difference. There are 18k people in the Wolfenati Central group. If they all became single dollar patrons, I could literally quit my job and build an actual organisation. I could have STAFF with that. It could change our lives. It could allow me to make this stuff I do the central focus of my life instead of cramming it into whatever hours I can find (usually 5-7am, if I am honest).

Pick one. Hit the become a patron button. Wish me a happy birthday. 😉

Wolfenoot
The Patchwork Raven 
Jax’s Bardic Inspiration
The Bookish Jellybean

Or, if that’s asking too much, just buy me a coffee. 😉

As always, I can only do these things because of the support of my crowd. You are all amazing. I love you. ❤

On Myers-Briggs

I posted this on FB yesterday:

Did Myers Briggs at work again.

Got an almost entirely different result from last time.

Last time: ISFP
This time: ENTP

Last time it was winter and I was pretty depressed. This time it was spring and my meds had been sorted.

This aligns with my gut that MBTI changes depending on mental state (at least for those of us with broken brains) and all my jokes about being an introvert in winter and an extrovert in summer may actually be more accurate than I thought. 

It seems a lot of people missed that I was being mildly sarcastic about it. My honest opinion is that it is pseudo-science and pretty much anything that aims to categorise humans into nice neat little categories is bound to fail.

 

It did lead to an interesting conversation though, because after the workshop was over, I went and chatted to the person who ran it and asked them how they thought mental health influenced results. And they had never thought about it.

 

So I was like, “I mean, you realise how many people in the world are battling with one kind of mental health issue or another, though, yeah? So if you’re going to do a ‘personality diagnostic’, you kind of have to take that into account. I am way more introverted, have way less energy in the cold months, and if the point is for my colleagues and managers to “understand me better” isn’t that something they need to understand?”

 

To which their response was, “Well, it is intended as a test for people who are ‘well’.”

 

Reader, I had to force myself not to laugh. Because you don’t get ‘well’. That’s not how this whole depression/anxiety/etc thing works. You get better. You develop coping mechanisms. You find better meds. You don’t get ‘well’.

 

My depression is part of my emotional landscape and will be forever. I get better at handling it. But it doesn’t go away. It’s not a cold. This isn’t like not doing your workout when you’re under the weather. If your “diagnostic” can’t handle the ups and downs of mental health issues, it is fucking useless.

 

So yeah, I feel my point was made. But I also think there is some danger here. I am very aware of my own mental landscape. I am very open about it. I talk to my managers and my colleagues about it. The people around me know about the bumps in my mental landscape.

 

But not everyone is as open as I am. Not everyone is a decade or more into learning how to handle the shit in their heads. Some people are only just starting. And now their managers think they’re this one thing, and then in six months or a year, they’ll be something totally different.

 

It’s a journey. If you’re not ready to tell the people around you, that’s totally fine. Not everyone is, and that’s cool, that’s part of the journey. But if you’re a manager taking this shit seriously, keep in mind that apparently it only works for “well” people (whatever the fuck that means), and given the stats, that means a pretty statistically significant group of people break it. Even if you DO buy into it. Which you probably shouldn’t, since there’s pretty much zero science behind it.

 

If it’s helpful to you, then cool. I find song lyrics helpful. But try not to take it TOO seriously.

 

Stay awesome, nerds.

Ask Jax Anything (Part 18)

Learn from my Motherfucking Mistakes (An Occasional Series)

Got a question for me? Ask it here. I see only what you put in the textbox, so it can be totally anonymous.

As part of a polyam triad (me being the third that was brought in to their four year relationship) how best do I bring up the discussion of negotiation for serious topics like marriage, children, etc.? He is willing to do this but she… not so much.

Hm. This is, unfortunately, often a problem when someone is brought into a pre-existing relationship structure. It is very rare that both parties of the original couple are actually on the same page.

The fact is, though, that polyamory really only works through communication. If you don’t have that, eventually things will inevitably break down into drama and jealousy, since someone, inevitably, will not be getting their needs met.

My advice is to work out what your ideal situation would be regarding marriage and kids and all that long-term stuff, what you would be willing to accept (since there is bound to be some negotiation) and what is a dealbreaker.

Once you’ve figured out where your lines are, I suggest you approach them both and say that you need to deal with this. If she is unwilling to even have the conversation, then, I am afraid to say, that should probably be a dealbreaker for you. That does not bode well for future bliss.

That doesn’t mean you can’t still be involved with them, but it may mean that you need to accept that this is not going to be a perfectly equal nesting-partner triad situation. That may be fine for you. Perhaps you’re perfectly happy being a free agent who pops in from time to time. Perhaps you actually only want a relationship with one of them, but they have insisted it’s a package deal. You haven’t given a lot of information. There are other options, other than the closed triad thing.

But you do need to make sure your needs are getting met, and the only way to do that is to be real honest, firstly with yourself, and then with them, about what those needs are, which ones are non-negotiables, which are dealbreakers, and which you can bend on without damaging your own mental health.

You cannot control what they do or say or feel, or how they behave as a result. But you can choose whether you are willing to stick around and deal with that. This is true for all relationships, romantic, sexual, friendship, poly or mono. ❤

I wish you the very best of luck. ❤

If you have anything you’d like to ask me, do so here!

Positive Nihilism

I don’t know if this will be helpful to anyone else, but I have been thinking about it a lot, and the more I think about it, the more it shifts my mindset away from despair and closer to something more hopeful. So I shall share my strange little mind wanderings in the hope that it helps some of you as well.

So, basically, as a species, we’re pretty fucked. The world is burning, figuratively and literally. There is a very real chance that if you’re under about 60 years old right now, you might live to see the end of humanity. By our own stupid, greedy, capitalist hands. We’re destroying our home, ripping holes in the ship on which we travel through space, with no functioning life rafts, and nowhere to go on them, even if we had them. So. That’s a thing. It’s a thing I struggle with constantly, because it is so big, and my problem-solving tendencies want to believe I can do something about it, but the simple truth is that I probably can’t. I just don’t have the kind of power needed to. There are small things I can do, and I try to do as many of them as I can, but it’s a bit like that old starfish story, except the sea is made of acid and the sand is getting hotter, and there really is no escape.

Cool. That’s a super hopeless view of the world, I realise. Here’s the thing I keep returning to though. Death is always there. Death is always just one mistake, one lump in your skin, one bad decision at a red light away. I don’t want to die. I am in no hurry to give all this up. But, let’s face it, it can come at any moment, for any of us. That’s part of the human condition. You can mitigate it – you can eat healthily, and exercise, and all that good stuff. But sooner or later, that ticket gets called and you’re up.

So all this hopeless end of humanity stuff is much the same. Nothing lasts forever, and I suppose some generation had to be the unlucky shmucks who drew that card, and I guess that’s us. (Or, probably, anyway.)

So maybe we have 20-30 years. Maybe civilisation will collapse around our ears as the food runs out and everything dies and the seas rise. Maybe that will happen.

Here’s what you can do. You can do what you can do. For each of us, that’s different. For some, they can get into power and change regulations and laws. For some, they can create amazing tech that can mitigate some of these things. For most of us, we can make careful and conscious choices about our consumerism and our votes, and not much more than that. We can’t all be revolutionaries. Do what you can. Whatever that is.

And then live your damn life like you only have a decade left. Spend time with the people you love. Make your childrens’ childhoods exceptional, just in case their adulthood sucks donkey balls. Hug your dogs, rescue kittens, visit beautiful places, learn that thing you always meant to learn. Go see a doctor about your mental illness. Make that change in your life that you always wanted to make but never quite found the courage for. Life is SHORT and that may be more accurate now than it has ever been. But it has always been short and unpredictable and full of cruelty and grief.

But it is also exquisitely beautiful, full of small joys and big ones, full of colour and light and people doing small wonderful things for each other every single day, in every single land. Love really is universal. Kindness can resonate and ripple in unexpected ways. If we can’t save the world, maybe at least we can save today, for one person, or a few. Instead of spending it fretting about the things in 10-20 years, DO WHAT YOU CAN about that and then LIVE.

If nothing matters, then EVERYTHING does.

If there is no meaning, if everything is fucked, then the only meaning is the meaning you create. The only meaning is the small kindnesses, the small lights you grow in the palm of your hand, in the corner of your smile, in the eye contact with strangers, in the kind words between coworkers. The only meaning lies in the love you feel for the beings in your lives (human, animal, plant, fiction). The only meaning lies in the things you create.

When everything is being destroyed, when all you see is despair, then kindness and creation are rebellious acts. I told someone today that my positivity is a coping mechanism: a big fuck you to despair.

There is nothing more punk than staying bright in this dark world. It takes guts and strength and courage and gumption in a way that getting jaded doesn’t.

Nothing matters. It’s all dying. So be punk. Be kind. Fuck despair.

If nothing matters, then EVERYTHING does.

Ask Jax Anything (Part 17)

Learn from my Motherfucking Mistakes (An Occasional Series)

Got a question for me? Ask it here. I see only what you put in the textbox, so it can be totally anonymous.

After watching one too many episodes of Nailed It (and I’m sure I’m not the only one), I attempted to do some of the stuff I had seen the contestants attempt. So I made the cake up, it wasn’t the best result, I was experimenting with marbling. Cake was still edible, just looked like unicorn vomit.

We had some family come over, and I served them some. They told me it was lovely and sweet, they liked it. They asked about the recipe, and I was honest and said it was a packet mix. Well, suddenly it wasn’t such a nice cake anymore.

I mean I have tried to DIY cakes from scratch, measuring flour and all the other ingredients, there is a reason I now use packet mixes – it’s a lot nicer, and way more consistent. I felt packet-mix shamed! And was on the defensive, like of course I normally make my cakes from scratch, this is because I was experimenting that’s why it’s a packet mix.

Was I in the wrong to tell them it was a packet mix, should I just say I made it myself. I mean I did make it, I didn’t buy it premade from Countdown, and try and pass that off as my own baking.

What should I do in the future, apart from learning to bake. Say something, not say something. Not offer guest food?

– Marie Antoinette

First of all: ugh, what jerks!!

Okay, so I make cakes from time to time, and I almost always use packet mix. I can bake from scratch, but holy buttercream icing, Batman! I am a busy human, and I am often baking because the cake is needed like that day and I can’t afford for it to all go pear-shaped!!

If the whole point of the exercise was to practice/play with decorating, why the bleeding hell not use packet mix? I mean, I suppose if you were actively trying to learn to bake and you were all “hey, try my newest creation”, and then when they went “mmm gosh, look at you” you went, “PSYCH! It’s packet mix!”, they’d have a fondant leg to stand on in terms of being a bit butthurt, but in this case, just eat the damn cake and be grateful.

Lordy.

Who has time to be such a judgipants?

The official Jax ruling on this situation is that if you can’t bake from scratch, or even just can’t be arsed baking from scratch, then, by all means, use packet mix. Just not Nestle products, okay? 😉

And if someone feeds you a cake they made with their own damn hands, don’t be a judgy asscactus, just say omnomnom thanks for the cake, like a decent fucking human being.

That is all.

If you have anything you’d like to ask me, do so here!

Musings on my Winterbrain

So I had a bit of a realisation the other day while I was chatting to one of my awesome fellow mental health heroes.

I was diagnosed with depression at a time in my life when everything was going to shit. My marriage had just ended, I was broke as fuck, I had a toddler who didn’t believe in sleep, I was failing at work, I was extremely unhealthy, everything sucked beyond belief.

Over the last 6 or so years I have hauled my ass out of that hole through sheer stubbornness, a deep desire to be a better parent, and with the help of a pack of amazing human beings who have been there through all of it with me.

Now, I have a job I love, my creative passions are starting, slowly, to help pay the bills in meaningful ways, My kid is amazing, I have an active hobby that I enjoy, my relationship is everything I ever wanted. My life is pretty great.

And I’m still depressed.

And it sucks, yo. This winter is feeling worse than usual for me, but the people around me keep saying I am better than I have been in years. And I think it’s cos everything is great, and I’m still depressed.

And that makes me angry. Because it was supposed to get BETTER. I did all that work, and made all those changes, and my brain is still a butthead.

I ended up having a big convo with Chennay yesterday at pole (I was the only one in the class yesterday) about all this, which triggered the thought that maybe I have just gotten so used to being in survival mode, so used to feeling shitty, that I have forgotten how to just be happy. Maybe I just need to retrain myself out of this “what’s the next thing” mode of survival, and enjoy THIS THING.

Because things ARE better. I have come so damn far. Anyone who knew me back in 2012 when everything went to hell would be able to tell you that the person I am today is a million times healthier than that wreck of a human was.

Maybe it’s time I just enjoyed the fruits of my labours and embraced my amazing life and stopped worrying so much about The Next Thing.

I’m gonna try.

❤