Learn from my Motherfucking Mistakes (An Occasional Series)
As part of a polyam triad (me being the third that was brought in to their four year relationship) how best do I bring up the discussion of negotiation for serious topics like marriage, children, etc.? He is willing to do this but she… not so much.
Hm. This is, unfortunately, often a problem when someone is brought into a pre-existing relationship structure. It is very rare that both parties of the original couple are actually on the same page.
The fact is, though, that polyamory really only works through communication. If you don’t have that, eventually things will inevitably break down into drama and jealousy, since someone, inevitably, will not be getting their needs met.
My advice is to work out what your ideal situation would be regarding marriage and kids and all that long-term stuff, what you would be willing to accept (since there is bound to be some negotiation) and what is a dealbreaker.
Once you’ve figured out where your lines are, I suggest you approach them both and say that you need to deal with this. If she is unwilling to even have the conversation, then, I am afraid to say, that should probably be a dealbreaker for you. That does not bode well for future bliss.
That doesn’t mean you can’t still be involved with them, but it may mean that you need to accept that this is not going to be a perfectly equal nesting-partner triad situation. That may be fine for you. Perhaps you’re perfectly happy being a free agent who pops in from time to time. Perhaps you actually only want a relationship with one of them, but they have insisted it’s a package deal. You haven’t given a lot of information. There are other options, other than the closed triad thing.
But you do need to make sure your needs are getting met, and the only way to do that is to be real honest, firstly with yourself, and then with them, about what those needs are, which ones are non-negotiables, which are dealbreakers, and which you can bend on without damaging your own mental health.
You cannot control what they do or say or feel, or how they behave as a result. But you can choose whether you are willing to stick around and deal with that. This is true for all relationships, romantic, sexual, friendship, poly or mono. ❤
I wish you the very best of luck. ❤