Learn from my Motherfucking Mistakes (An Occasional Series)
Friends of my partner have bullied me for the last 2 years. I tried everything to be their friends, then to just ignore them but they just find new ways to bully me even after I have blocked them on everything. My partner can’t post anything about me at all without them both ruining it by leaving tonnes of nasty comments about me until he eventually deletes it to stop them. I began feeling suicidal recently because of it and asked him to remove them from his social media so that they can’t keep doing this otherwise I couldn’t be with him because it was taking too much of a toll on my mental health. I feel like I did a shitty and controlling thing by saying that. Was it wrong or was it okay in this context? I don’t know if it eas selfish to make him choose but I didn’t know what else to do.
Oh man, what a horrible situation.
I don’t think you did the wrong thing. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own mental health and if being with someone is damaging it for some reason, then you need to tell them what the thing is that is damaging and give them the opportunity to address it.
Personally, there is no damn way I’d stay with someone who ignored a situation like that. It’s not just about not caring enough about your mental health to address the issue, it’s also about what it says about him that he has people like that in his life and doesn’t mind, you know?
I guess there could be extenuating circumstances. These people could be super important to him for some historical reason. I have people in my life who are problematic for various reasons, and I keep them around because of history, or because I believe they are genuinely trying to improve, or for any other number of reasons. However, I also manage my expectations of them and if they started coming after someone I love who is vulnerable in public spaces, they would be told in no uncertain terms to quit that shit. I can’t really imagine a situation where I would be okay with that. I can’t imagine a situation where my partner would be okay with that.
I think we often view standing up for our own boundaries as controlling, but think of it this way: it’s not controlling, because you didn’t force him to change. You told him that if this situation did not change, you would not be able to stay in it. He then chose which was more important to him. Either way would be a totally valid choice on his part. Like I said, I don’t know the circumstances, and at the end of the day he, like you, is entitled to choose who he keeps in his life.
If it weren’t people, it would be easy right? Let’s say you were super asthmatic, and your partner smoked. And you really tried to handle it, but you frequently couldn’t breathe, and your health was obviously deteriorating. And you said, “Look, I love you, but I cannot stay in an environment with so much smoke, because it is going to kill me. I need you to either keep it out of our house or, preferably, quit, so that I don’t die of an asthma attack.”
Don’t you think that is a reasonable request of someone who loves you?
How is this different?
I hope that helps. ❤ My best wishes.