There is a thing that happens to me, over and over and over again in my life.
I get to the end. I lose hope. I despair. I think, who the hell am I to think I can have the life I want? I think, nothing I am doing is worth anything. I think, it’s all fighting uphill, and for what? I think, how long do I keep trying until I just give up on all of this?
I think I have nothing, no friends, no career, no love, no talent, no nothing.
And then the universe steps in and goes, hey girl, I know stuff is hard right now and that thing in your head is loud as fuck. Let me help you out.
And suddenly in a million tiny ways, in a thousand little messages, it proves me wrong.
Suddenly, without even trying, I realise I have plans with people, plans that just happened, plans I didn’t have to try to make happen, because people do actually like me and wanna hang.
Suddenly I glance up and realise that all my head down desperate get through the day parenting is resulting in the most beautiful little boy, with whom I have a kick-ass relationship. He’s a rat bag some of the time, but like I said to my darling Bast this morning, what human isn’t a rat bag some of the time? Mostly he’s a kind, smiling beautiful awesome kid.
Suddenly people start messaging me out of the blue to say, hey you’ve been on my mind and I thought I’d say hi, and I realise that’s not only because I am lucky (although I sure as hell am lucky with my people) but also because I’m good at this whole friendship tribe thing. Good enough that when I don’t have the emotional spoons for it, they will come to me.
Suddenly I look around and realise that I have work. That all that exhausting, insane, thankless studying and relationship building and up-skilling has turned me into a freelancer who can choose what I do and who I work with.
Suddenly I realise that I am making a business. That I know how to do it this time. That it’s okay if I fuck up here and there, because that’s how you learn, and that’s how I’ve ended up being able to do something like The Patchwork Raven.
And then I pick myself up and look back at the last five years and the path that has led me here and I realise what I’ve achieved in that time. I can do this. I AM doing this. I’m not there yet. And the gods know I still fall down and scrape my hands and knees. But the universe keeps picking me up and saying, you’re okay. These people have your back. I have your back. But most importantly, YOU have your back.
And there it is. Hope.